0 Noah - The 2014 Movie

I saw the new Noah movie last night with M.Giant. We really saw this film to compare it to the last Noah’s Ark movie, which we forced large groups of people to watch for Bad Movie Nights in multiple states. While this film features some pretty A- list actors (Russell Crowe, Jennifer Connolly, Emma Watson, Anthony Hopkins), it isn’t the acting the holds this film back. It’s the story line and special effects that doom this particular version.

Here are some of the things you’ll see, if you decide to watch this movie. Director Darren Aranofsky made some serious leaps in this film in what is probably more “poetic license” than the religious die-hards that make up most of its audience will be comfortable with. It’s as if he never read the story and someone gave him the point A and point B of the film. God floods the earth because it is full of evil people. Then there’s a rainbow at the end. In fact, there’s no mention of “God” in the movie, only “the creator”. There’s no mention of 40 days and nights. No mention of cubits and that Noah was supposed to be 500 years old, while his kids are about 100 years old. There’s a lot left out, but since the director is an atheist, you have to cut him some slack, right?

[SPOLIER ALERT!!!!!!!]

• There were multiple “Claritin clear” moments
• There’s a glowing snakeskin which has magical powers
• There are glowing rocks that burst into flame when you hit them with a knife or throw them into a boat – they might be called Zohan
• Welding masks come in handy when trying to build weapons to take over an ark
• There were rock monsters (just like the ones from Lord of the Rings – or more closely related to the original Clash of the Titans film)
• In the movie there is a 35-day gestation period for a fetus, though there isn’t any mention of the 40 days of rain and then 150 days of floating - so if you account for that, it’s at least closer
• 500 year old Noah gets to hang out with his grandfather Methuselah
• There are two trees in the Garden of Eden, not one, as per the bible. Adam and Eve are only allowed to eat fruit from one of them. In the movie, this becomes tricky because the trees are intertwined! How can you be sure you're eating from the right tree? Maybe this is the director's way of saying it could have been a "whoops" situation and not a shift-woman-trick situation. Also, WHY ARE ADAM AND EVEN IN MY NOAH MOVIE?!?!
• Women CONTINUE to be blamed for ruining everything in life and stepping between man and God’s plan. Not just in the Garden of Eden. It isn’t even subtle any more
• I’m not convinced Mickey Rourke isn’t Tubal-Cain – Noah’s enemy in the film (which is even more comical because there IS a wrestler named Cain)
• Hollywood needs to get better educated on how to make individual CGI birds. Flocks and flocks of birds they do alright, but not individual birds
• I had to wait until the end of the movie for stock animal footage from National Geographic
• Noah was drunk in the original man cave
• I still waited for Anthony Hopkins to tell Noah’s wife he could smell her aunt with a C [Which MommasBoy just reminded me wasn't said by Hopkins. It was his cell neighbor and Hopkins just comments on it.]
• There were serious rocket launchers in Noah’s time
• Noah had a flare gun to get God’s attention in a maritime emergency
• I, like Noah, also scream “HAAAAAMMMM!!!!!” periodically
• There were armor-plated dogs in Noah’s time. Maybe they didn’t make it onto the ark. Bummer
• Why did Noah grab the broken arrow from the armor-plated dog when he had a HUGE KNIFE
• The producers tied evolution VERY nicely into the creationism montage – sneaky (because they know scientists are right)
• Cain killing Abel turned into a montage of other war killings (Civil War, Spanish-American War, World War I & II, etc.)
• Whenever Noah would look up at the sky for God’s advice, I’d hear Yukon Cornelius’ voice saying, “NNNNNNuthin’!” every time
• Noah kills SOOOO many people. I don’t remember that in the bible
• When they panned out to show the entire earth, it was entirely covered in hurricane cloud swirls, ensuring Al Roker’s head would explode
• There was an island of misfit toys and everyone is whining on it
• Noah appears to be wearing a double-stitched denim biker vest in much of the movie
• Rocks are secretly angels
• In the previews, there was one religious movie and then a whole bunch of ridiculous CGI films like the new Transformers movie. Noah thinks VERY highly of its own CGI renderers
• It looks like there is an oil pipeline behind the zohan mine
• The D-bag next to me couldn’t understand British accents and would keep saying, “huh?” loudly (he didn’t have an insidevoice/whisper)…. And then he would loudly make out with his girlfriend
• Only non-humans are knocked out by the magic sleepy smoke
• Shem’s wife has twin girls so Shem’s brothers could have someone to have sex with
• Noah has hundred of iron cauldrons for boiling boat tar. Where did they come from and who made them?
• An early pregnancy test involved spitting on a leaf – if it glows, you’re pregnant
• Where did Cain’s army get corrugated steel panels for barricades?!
• Cain snuck onto Noah’s ark and had a porthole to look out that he plugged up every once in a while. Then, Cain died when the ark landed
• Where did the really big chains come from?
• No one ever explains the water creatures. Are they all shifted to salt water for a few weeks?
• The title should have been Carnivores vs. Vegetarians

It was silent after the movie ended. Dead silent. Then someone said quietly, “…Well, THAT wasn’t right.” She said it in all seriousness and that's what made it so funny.

Based on the 1999 verison of Noah’s Ark, I was really disappointed there were no fingers in any jars, or orgies, or dinosaur bones, or God’s voice, or songs about kitchen sinks, or peddlers, or water battles, or hats, or flaming rats, or 2x4’s.

I found myself laughing through much of this movie, I must admit. I mean, the director even made a comment about it being the least biblically accurate bible movie ever made in an interview. It is really going after the special effects crowd, which I should have known when they ran tons of trailers during The Walking Dead. Sadly, the special effects were pretty average. I apologize for throwing so many spoilers at you all, but most of us know the story from Sunday School. And you too might be better off just sticking with the high points. 

1. Flood. 
2. 2 of every creature. 
3. Rainbow. 

That’s all you need to know.

For my money, I’ll continue to push the 1999 version of Noah’s Ark on people. Where else can you see pirates trying to take over the ark and a koala bear poop on Mary Steenburgen?